THE THREAD | I can never say cavalry
Cavalry — Calvary — I have a hard time remembering the difference — not the difference between the two words and their meanings — but when it comes to speaking cavalry out loud — I always say Calvary — and my sons in their confusion correct me — wondering why I mistake a military man on horseback wielding a sword — for the crucified man whispering of forgiveness — I know the difference — yet my mouth forms Calvary every time — like other words I can read on the page and comprehend — but cannot say correctly the first time — for instance — I cannot say maleficent — or promontory — precipice becomes puh-rick-oh-pee — don’t ask me why — and exacerbate becomes — forgive me — ex-asturbate — every time — kind of like every time I see a hibiscus plant — though this is slightly different — I cannot think of hibiscus at first — so what comes out of my mouth is hyacinth — hydrangea — hi — hi — hya hydra hya ahh — and at long last — hibiscus — yes — I know this should not be so difficult — remembering names and how to say them — speaking the right thing out loud the first time — uttering everything correctly — retaining the mental word-tags that ought to be — like taxonomy — attached to objects — places — people — as if I do not know which I want to risk more — being wrong in an instant — or being misunderstood slowly while I think — while I haver — while I pause — and which is worse — to be wrong or to be misunderstood — I can’t say — I can’t say except that the long pause — the space in between the sight of something — and how to name it out loud — is the space that seems to beg to be filled — seems to — but is not necessarily so — not necessarily the space itself that begs to be filled — but rather how much already in motion rushes to fill it — to fill it much too quickly — the pressure of an impatient glance — the march of a ticking clock — the language of insistence — come on now — say what you mean — say it quickly — we don’t have all day — hurry up — react — react — say what it is you have to say — if you’ve got something to say then say it — which is fine — more often than not the words come out well enough the first time — not every utterance demands much effort these days — most words spoken have the decadent luxury of being careless — yet in that moment of hesitation — in the space that does not beg — that in fact demands nothing of you — is where language loosens up a bit — for a moment loses its strictness and blurs — breaks down borders — the place where hibiscus petals might share stems with hydrangea blossoms — where a military man on horseback might cast down his sword and whisper of forgiveness — where if you wait long enough — a presence arrives — and has no need to speak at all — and listens beyond language
What I’m currently reading: Wayne Koestenbaum’s Figure It Out, Austin Kleon’s Steal Like An Artist, Sylvia Shaw Judson’s The Quiet Eye, Geoff Dyer’s Otherwise Known As The Human Condition
What I’m currently listening to: Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit’s Georgia Blue, John Coltrane Quartet’s Live at the Village Vanguard, Sadler Vaden’s Anybody Out There?
What I’m currently watching: Bel Air, Ozark season 3
Peace,
Andrew